Forgiveness at 9:18 PM

Well dilemmas dilemmas... When I was very little, I had a forgiving side to me. Certain friends would do stupid, hurtful things and I would forgive them. I remember rather vividly my mom asking me why I would do that. We were sitting on a green bench outside the front of my house. Damn that bench lasted way longer than it should of. I guess as a kid, I just figured that's what you do. You forgive.

Getting older however changes you. I've become more guarded and cynical when it comes to people. I still want to think the best of people and trust them, it's just hard to do once they hurt you. Holding hate in your heart and not forgiving is truely unhealthy. That's not my problem. I forgave long ago. Trust is totally different however.

I was deeply hurt this summer. Without going into detail, I was wronged by someone, they screwed up big time. This time I can truly say I did nothing wrong. I thought it was a done deal. Never see or talk to the person again. Get over any feelings for them and move on. Time heals all wounds. Now they went and apologized and want to rebuild some kind of relationship. I use "relationship" to describe any kind of friendly connection. Messed up my plans for sure. I have no idea what to do. Forgive, forget, let them back in my life. Just close the door and keep things as they were. Despite my best efforts, feelings still lay underneath my armor. They would go away though in time. Right now there isn't many options. Distance and priorities. The question however is what to do with feelings.

I wish I could return to how I was as a kid. I trusted people with such ease. You said your sorry and I said "ok". No questions asked. What happened to me that stole that part away. Maybe through some effort I can get back to that place. I want to sit on that bench again, as a boy turning into a man, and be able to once again say, "that's just what you do".